Perhaps...

...the storm has passed. I feel calmer than I have in quite some time. I have had a great week. Things might work out.

Sadly, there will always be a part of me that is apprehensive about him. I don't think I can help it. If it is not there forever, at least I know that it will be there for an extended amount of time. I can admit that to myself.

So, everyone have a great weekend! I know I'm going to! Yayyy for Me!

Sleepless

I have not had a full nights rest in 4 days. I also have not had an appetite. Now, I do not know if that is from illness, stress, or a mixture of the two.

I feel as if I have had a giant weight lifted off my shoulders. At the same time, I am utterly confused about what's next.

I guess I will find out soon. I am going to let the other shoe drop. Hopefully it will step forward and not backward. Feet, don't fail me now.

Missing

I think that a fuzzy haze has descended upon my life once again. Things are not as they should be. I am out of sorts. That never happens unless alcohol is involved.

Decisions need to be made. These aren't your run of the mill laundry list details. These are life changing decisions I am going to eventually have to make.

I have found that happiness can not be achieved by projecting your wants and needs onto another person. I am responsible for my own happiness. Me...that's it.

It's frightening really to think about how I have just floated along the river of life. Choices I've made have shaped this river, but those were only slivers and crescent curves in the water of life. I fear that not only will this produce rampant rapids, the river may actually dry up all together.

I have not been myself for some time. I think it is time that I find out who I really am. I know the old me is still there beneath all this baggage and misery that I have heaped upon myself. Deep down, she's still there. Barely breathing and unable to see the light of day. She is still there.

I just have to find a way to coax her out from hiding. To retrieve her life, grasping it with both hands and swearing to never let her go again. Ever. No matter who walks through the door.

Pain is a funny thing. Which is odd that I say that, because pain is not fun... It, however, is a fact of life. Just as so many things are facts in this life of mine. Facts that I have denied for several years. Always hoping that I could love enough to erase all the bad.

Love is blind. Unfortunately, there is one thing love can't hide....hurt.

I don't love you

Well, when you go
Don't ever think I'll make you try to stay
And maybe when you get back
I'll be off to find another way

And after all this time that you still owe
You're still the good-for-nothing I don't know
So take your gloves and get out
Better get out
While you can

When you go
Would you even turn to say
"I don't love you
Like I did
Yesterday"

Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading
So sick and tired of all the needless beating
But baby when they knock you
Down and out
It's where you oughta stay

And after all the blood that you still owe
Another dollar's just another blow
So fix your eyes and get up
Better get up
While you can
Whoa, whooa

When you go
Would you even turn to say
"I don't love you
Like I did
Yesterday"

Well come on, come on

When you go
Would you have the guts to say
"I don't love you
Like I loved you
Yesterday"

I don't love you
Like I loved you
Yesterday

I don't love you
Like I loved you
Yesterday

Yawn...

Well, I am sick again. Of course this has been going on for about 5 weeks now. Finally I went to the Dr and they put me on some more meds. I got some more blood tests done and we are waiting on the results...yayy!

Today I went home from work early. I could barely hold my head up. My lymph nodes are huge and feel like I have marbles under my skin...

So pardon me for the lack luster commentary of my day. I think I'll get ready to go to bed now.

What The Fuck

If you had very little money because of all your credit cards, car payments and other shit you "had" to have...Why would you spend $150.00 on something you don't fucking need?

Personally, I wouldn't. Unfortunately, I am married to someone who has a spending habit. It's not drugs or gambling or even women. It's just useless shit that he won't even care about having inside of a month. I guarantee that.

I love him a great deal, but I am sick of not ever having anything. Sure he makes most of the money, but I put in a full 8 a hours a day too.

I deserve something. I go to the bar 3 to 4 times a month and that counts as my "allowance". Of course it is sure to be thrown up in face at a later date. FUCK! So why don't I just sit at home and do nothing. I think I'll just sit here and wait for the credit card bills and the car notes and the motorcycle payment reminders to pile up around me.

I am sick to death of feeling like I am getting the raw end of the deal!

The funny thing is, I just mentioned to someone today how he was really trying to make this marriage a team effort.

But I feel I have to draw the line at getting credit cards your spouse knows nothing about, charging it up, and then asking forgiveness when the bill comes at the end of the month is bull shit.

Anti-What?

Well, here it is Sunday again. My week went by so fast. And of course the weekend has gone by faster. The hubby and I went and met R and Keith for some fun at the Applebee's last night. I often have a few beers, some food and of course a few shots.

Well, I was feelin sassy yesterday before we left for the big town of the nooga and decided to find some new shots to try out while at the bee's.

I think I found a winner. It is called Antifreeze. Why does it have that name you ask...

Well, it's as green as it's namesake and I think it could effectively keep your engine from freezing in the wintertime. Its Melon Liq & Vodka.

Now, I suggest a higher quality vodka than well at your local pub. However, I had to rough it since they were out of Grey Goose. So try it with a good vodka and mix to chill.

It was strong, but I sure did laugh a lot last night!!!