Missing

I think that a fuzzy haze has descended upon my life once again. Things are not as they should be. I am out of sorts. That never happens unless alcohol is involved.

Decisions need to be made. These aren't your run of the mill laundry list details. These are life changing decisions I am going to eventually have to make.

I have found that happiness can not be achieved by projecting your wants and needs onto another person. I am responsible for my own happiness. Me...that's it.

It's frightening really to think about how I have just floated along the river of life. Choices I've made have shaped this river, but those were only slivers and crescent curves in the water of life. I fear that not only will this produce rampant rapids, the river may actually dry up all together.

I have not been myself for some time. I think it is time that I find out who I really am. I know the old me is still there beneath all this baggage and misery that I have heaped upon myself. Deep down, she's still there. Barely breathing and unable to see the light of day. She is still there.

I just have to find a way to coax her out from hiding. To retrieve her life, grasping it with both hands and swearing to never let her go again. Ever. No matter who walks through the door.

Pain is a funny thing. Which is odd that I say that, because pain is not fun... It, however, is a fact of life. Just as so many things are facts in this life of mine. Facts that I have denied for several years. Always hoping that I could love enough to erase all the bad.

Love is blind. Unfortunately, there is one thing love can't hide....hurt.