INs & OUTs

Hmmm, funny how long it's been since I last blogged. I have had a lot going on.

So good news first. I have recently found out I'm gonna be a mommy! Wow! A mommy! ......hmmm........ oh shit!

Well, it is funny ho much you think you know about life until it becomes apparent that you are going to be the teacher and roll model for someone else. It can totally flip you out. I am excited, yet scared all in one big ball of nerves.

No morning sickness yet. Just a little nauseated. I would love to be one of those lucky women that never throw up while with child! That would be fantastic!!! I'd be like Yayyyy for me!

One downer is this...because of the "Syndrome X", AKA; Insulin Resistance, I am VERY predisposed to becoming a victim of the gestational diabetes (the diabetes may stick around after the birth as well). Which in turn automatically makes me "high-risk". And therefore, basically, screws me and the wee one out of the birthing center of our choice.

I feel like I'm being told to go to jail, go directly to jail...and DO NOT collect $200.00! Ughhhghh!

Until next time people!

Missing

I think that a fuzzy haze has descended upon my life once again. Things are not as they should be. I am out of sorts. That never happens unless alcohol is involved.

Decisions need to be made. These aren't your run of the mill laundry list details. These are life changing decisions I am going to eventually have to make.

I have found that happiness can not be achieved by projecting your wants and needs onto another person. I am responsible for my own happiness. Me...that's it.

It's frightening really to think about how I have just floated along the river of life. Choices I've made have shaped this river, but those were only slivers and crescent curves in the water of life. I fear that not only will this produce rampant rapids, the river may actually dry up all together.

I have not been myself for some time. I think it is time that I find out who I really am. I know the old me is still there beneath all this baggage and misery that I have heaped upon myself. Deep down, she's still there. Barely breathing and unable to see the light of day. She is still there.

I just have to find a way to coax her out from hiding. To retrieve her life, grasping it with both hands and swearing to never let her go again. Ever. No matter who walks through the door.

Pain is a funny thing. Which is odd that I say that, because pain is not fun... It, however, is a fact of life. Just as so many things are facts in this life of mine. Facts that I have denied for several years. Always hoping that I could love enough to erase all the bad.

Love is blind. Unfortunately, there is one thing love can't hide....hurt.

What The Fuck

If you had very little money because of all your credit cards, car payments and other shit you "had" to have...Why would you spend $150.00 on something you don't fucking need?

Personally, I wouldn't. Unfortunately, I am married to someone who has a spending habit. It's not drugs or gambling or even women. It's just useless shit that he won't even care about having inside of a month. I guarantee that.

I love him a great deal, but I am sick of not ever having anything. Sure he makes most of the money, but I put in a full 8 a hours a day too.

I deserve something. I go to the bar 3 to 4 times a month and that counts as my "allowance". Of course it is sure to be thrown up in face at a later date. FUCK! So why don't I just sit at home and do nothing. I think I'll just sit here and wait for the credit card bills and the car notes and the motorcycle payment reminders to pile up around me.

I am sick to death of feeling like I am getting the raw end of the deal!

The funny thing is, I just mentioned to someone today how he was really trying to make this marriage a team effort.

But I feel I have to draw the line at getting credit cards your spouse knows nothing about, charging it up, and then asking forgiveness when the bill comes at the end of the month is bull shit.

Changes

It is strange how the view of the world changes when you think you are gravely ill.

I find myself daydreaming about long vacations on the beach and driving really fast sports cars.

Other things in my life fall under a closer scrutinising eye. Am I happy? Will I be able to be happy for the rest of my life in my current situation? How long will I live? One year or 60 more?

Happiness is almost like a mythical unicorn when you are in the day to day grind.

I have found it easier to ponder life changing events.

What would I have done differently? Would I have been nicer to people if I would had known that my life may possibly be cut short?

I am looking at things in a whole new light.

Sometimes it takes a startling realization to force people to return to who they really are. Not a job title or a paycheck or social status.

I have not found out anything definite, but when I do, I will share it.

Nothing is in stone. Life is what you make of it. So, have a little fun, no matter how much time you have left on this earth.

Life, It Ain't What I Ordered

Have you ever felt like someone is sucking the life out of you? That is how I woke up feeling this morning. I don't know how, but things are gonna change. I can't live like this anymore. Suffication is a terrible way to die.

Shout Out...(you know who you are).

Loathing

Well, I think it is sufficient to say that today, I hate myself.

I can't tell you why...I'd have to kill you.

Have you ever wanted something so badly, that you contemplate changing your whole life just to get it?

Fuckers and The Y

Today was as stressful day in the RMW world.

I had a hard day @ work and some of the ppl. I work with are, well,....dumb asses!

I know that we are all,(well...mostly all),humans, and alas, humans make mistakes.

It just seems that there are a few who are just completely incompetent! I hate that! I have to go around after them like a baby sitter and try to help them with there problems, when they should know by now what the fucking 411 is!

As if that weren't enough, I went to the Y tonight to work off some of my stress. The workout was fantastic! Thank's Pat!

However, when I went to leave it went down like this:
I had a parking place close to the door, my friend however had one in the next zip code. So, we have made it a practice that if one of us is way the hell out there, the other waits until the far away one waves once they get to their car. So we did this. All along I am standing at my car with my door open.

I get the wave from said friend, so I jump into my ride to be whisked away to Sand Mountain.

As I am backing up I realize that there is a dumb ass parked parallel in a no parking zone behind my car! WTF? MOVE! I see this person looking at me in their damn minivan.

Did they move?!?

NO! I HAD TO GET OUT AND YELL, "Can you move it!?"!

They reluctantly moved. Fuckers!

What gets me is that they saw me waiting, standing outside my car, what the hell were they doing?

Fuck wades! UUURRRGGHHHHH!

Hair Of The Dog & The Day After

Hangovers seem to be the body’s way of reminding us about the hazards of overindulgence. Physiologically, it’s a group effort: Diarrhea, fatigue, headache, nausea, and shaking are the classic symptoms. Sometimes, systolic (the upper number) blood pressure goes up, the heart beats faster than normal, and sweat glands overproduce — evidence that the “fight or flight” response is revved up. Some people become sensitive to light or sound. Others suffer a spinning sensation (vertigo).

The causes are as varied as the symptoms. Alcohol is metabolized into acetaldehyde, a substance that’s toxic at high levels, although concentrations rarely get that high, so that’s not the complete explanation.

Drinking interferes with brain activity during sleep, so a hangover may be a form of sleep deprivation. Alcohol scrambles the hormones that regulate our biological clocks, which may be why a hangover can feel like jet lag, and vice versa. Alcohol can also trigger migraines, so some people may think they’re hung over when it’s really an alcohol-induced migraine they’re suffering.

Hangovers begin after blood alcohol levels start to fall. In fact, according to some experts, the worst symptoms occur when levels reach zero.

The key ingredient seems to be “drinking to intoxication”; how much you drank to get there is less important. In fact, several studies suggest that light and moderate drinkers are more vulnerable to getting a hangover than heavy drinkers. Yet there’s also seemingly contradictory research showing that people with a family history of alcoholism have worse hangovers. Researchers say some people may end up with drinking problems because they drink in an effort to relieve hangover symptoms.

Dr. Robert Swift, a researcher at the Providence Veterans Affairs Medical Center in Rhode Island, coauthored one of the few review papers on hangovers in 1998. It’s still one of the most frequently cited sources on the topic. The rundown on hangover remedies that follows is based on that review, an interview with Dr. Swift, and several other sources.

Hair of the dog.
Drinking to ease the symptoms of a hangover is sometimes called taking the hair of the dog, or hair of the dog that bit you. The notion is that hangovers are a form of alcohol withdrawal, so a drink or two will ease the withdrawal.

There may be something to it, says Dr. Swift. Both alcohol and short-acting sedatives, such as benzodiazepines like diazepam (Valium), interact with GABA receptors on brain cells, he explained, and it’s well documented that some people have withdrawal symptoms from short-acting sedatives as they wear off. Perhaps the brain reacts similarly as blood alcohol levels begin to drop.

Even so, Dr. Swift advises against using alcohol as a hangover remedy. “The hair of the dog just perpetuates a cycle,” he says. “It doesn’t allow you to recover.”

Drink fluids.
Alcohol promotes urination because it inhibits the release of vasopressin, a hormone that decreases the volume of urine made by the kidneys. If your hangover includes diarrhea, sweating, or vomiting, you may be even more dehydrated. Although nausea can make it difficult to get anything down, even just a few sips of water might help your hangover.

Get some carbohydrates into your system.
Drinking may lower blood sugar levels, so theoretically some of the fatigue and headaches of a hangover may be from a brain working without enough of its main fuel. Moreover, many people forget to eat when they drink, further lowering their blood sugar. Toast and juice is a way to gently nudge levels back to normal.

Thanks to msn.

What the fuck!?

That's right people, I said fuck. Now we all know this is one of my most favorite words. Can someone please tell me why people freak out over curse words? And why are they called "curse" words?

Having said that, I know that I am around the age of becoming a parent. I can't very well have little children running around screaming fuck all the time. But why? It just seems wrong to me because I have always been told that it was a "bad" word.

What if i told the children it was a "grown-up" word that they couldn't say until they ripened in age? I am unsure...

As far as the kid thing goes, my hubby and i have 9 parents and 1 bitch to contend with as grandparents.

What? ...You say, "how can one possibly have so many grandparents?". Well, here's the laundry list of people who will be grandparents, should my husband and i decide to reproduce.

His side:
mom & step-father
biological father &step-mother
adoptive father & the bitch

My side:
mom & step-dad
dad & step-mom

Until later my pets...

"What day is it?"....

The last 4 to 5 days have pretty much been a blur for me. There are several reasons for this.

Apparently one should not swallow enormous amounts of highly chlorinated H2O. "Why Ranting?", you ask. Well general audience, it will not only go into your stomach but also into your lungs if you are unlucky.

Now, the way this happens is you are in 12' water, YMCA safety device is wrapped around you (this is policy for any class taught in deep water) as tight as possible, without making you loose your lunch into said water. The cursed noodle is being used. Crunches in water are being done by yourself and the rest of the class. The damn noodle is trying to wiggle it's way out from behind you. This noodle does not care if you are tired or not. You still must fight to stay on top. Do not let the noodle win. Superiority is a must!

Well, my noodle won.

As I plunged my butt towards the bottom of the pool, working my abs ever so hard, the noodle jumped out from under me, flying into the air. Now, as this happens I push back to take a deep breath of air, but all I get is water.

Thank you YMCA for making me wear that damn safety belt. It kept me from making a complete fool of myself and actually drowning.



The outcome of this is days of being sick with a respiratory infection. I had to pay $50.00 for 5 pills. FIVE PILLS PEOPLE! Now for those who are not math geniuses, that's TEN dollars per pill!!!!
Ugggghhhhh.....

Today I awaken out of my Nite Time Elixir daze.

By the way, psuedoephedra is a great thing in cold medicine. It's too bad the meth heads can't keep there hands off of it. I had some old stuff left and then had to buy some new. The old stuff was soooo much better.

I find myself sitting here by myself. The hubby is in Mississippi visiting family.

I have a party to got to tonight, but I fear I will not be in full gear to entertain people as I normally do.

I am very thankful for...

1. G-d.
2. My husband and his love.
3. My family that loves me unconditionally.
   
4. My small circle of friends, no matter how loose that circle becomes.
   
5. Our home.
   
6. The animals that we have and their love for us.
7. A good job and a great manager.
8. The ability to donate food and money to the less fortunate.
9. Forgiveness
10. Life
    

Lighten the load....(on my chest).

I am very tired tonight. So forgive me if I ramble. I have some things to get off my chest and well, if you're reading this, then I have an audience.

I know that I generally don't get all talky and shit, but here goes.

I have not spoken to my mother since sometime in July. For me this has been a relatively good decision. Now, I found myself trying to decide if I will make an appearance at Thanksgiving dinner at my grandmother's house. The mother parental will be there. Of course my asshole brother will be there as well.

He is really the main reason, I guess, that I have not spoken to them since summer.

My brother is 10 yrs younger than me. Hey is a punk. Last time I asked, he had lost his...oh 16th job. He dropped outta' school and mooches off my mom. Of course for some reason my mother is under some sort of fucking spell that he was placed on her. I swear, he could set her hair on fire and she would ask why we were pissed of at him.

So enough of the background. My bro ,J, calls my house several times in aug,june,and july to tell me that he ran into this person and that person. Problem is they are all my ex boyfriends. HELLO!!!! Why the FUCK would I care about what they are doing?!?!? There is a reason they are the Ex-s!

The fact that J is just a general fuck pisses myself and my husband off, but now he's calling to tell me that he saw so and so that I use to date. D is not happy about that.

The last time J called it was the same bullshit. I blessed him out and he said some stupid shit like, "can't a nigga' ask a question?!?".

Hello your fucking white!

So I hung up, called the mother of this piece of shit, she hung up on me!!! URGHHHHHHH!

So, I called and left a rather fantastic message on their machine. Grow up people! (I am sure I said fuck at least 4 times in said message).

I guess I got my point across, 'cause aint a soul called. Fuck 'em.

So I will go to D's family stuff. His mother has always loved me no matter what. That's unconditional. No matter if I'm bein' a bitch or not, she still loved me...
Also, I got a pretty good brother outta' the deal to. Thanks R.

Yes, there are lots of things no one knows that happened to me as I was growing up. There are harsh feelings toward my mother for other things, (all of which she would deny) but I don't really want to go into that now.

I do miss my mom.......oh, wait......I only miss the idea of what I wanted my mother to be...

Labor Of Love

This completely sucks. I am going to have to start all over. My original blog has just disappeared! Damn it!